Lesson 6

Why do so many of us tend to think that relationships are a 50/50 deal? And thus we should get out of the deal a certain amount of happiness and enjoyment for all we put into it. The world tells us if we are not getting fulfillment in our lives then we should find a new partner, get a career instead of staying home with children, join a club or go exercise three times a day. Well, in the Lord’s world and mind that is not at all what marriage is. It’s about covenants and sacrifice.

I remember advice given to me from a church leader when he was interviewing me and my spouse-to-be. He looked at us and said, “You may think that marriage is 50/50; that each of you give and expect 50/50. It is not. Both of you 100%, give all you can to your marriage. You will find that sometimes all you can give is 20% and the other will have to give 80%. Then it will switch and you will need to give 80% because all they can give is 20%.” After being given that advice, I had nine babies and my husband had a couple of surgeries. We have learned that is very true. Each must give all they can.

We learn about sacrifice in marriage, and the best part about it is – the sacrifice is all worth it.  Many of us give up prematurely because it is just too hard and it doesn’t seem to be worth the fight. How many regret giving up in their marriage – either by settling for an unhappy marriage or ending the marriage in divorce. I remember an author of a book about divorce that said over 90% of people who think they have a bad marriage and should get divorced, it’s not near as bad as they think it is and divorce makes everything worse.

 Brother Goddard, in his book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” said, Relationships that cannot be salvaged are rare. President Joseph Fielding Smith wrote that "if all mankind would live in strict obedience to the gospel, and in that love which is begotten by the Spirit of the Lord, all marriages would be eternal; divorce would be unknown. Divorce is not part of the gospel plan and has been introduced because of the hardness of heart and unbelief of the people .... There never could be a divorce in this Church if the husband and wife were keeping the commandments of God."24

Goddard added, “We cannot have our eyes on our partner and

ourselves at the same time.”

Lesson 5

It is interesting how one expert has a system of several principles and practices that can save or strengthen a marriage. The other expert spoke of the atonement and testifies that it is what we need to change and heal. I think both may be true. A wise family counselor said, after hearing excuses about why the marriage was struggling, "what you need is repentance." Almost always that is what a struggling marriage needs, or a good marriage for that matter - repentance. Not just repentance, but a better understanding of the atonement of Jesus Christ can bring a couple hope and back to a healthy place. It is true that when we grow closer to the Lord we will grow closer to each other. I feel sorry for people who don't have an understanding of the gospel to help them in their lives and relationships. 

On the other hand, if one is willing to repent and if one grows in their understanding of the atonement of Jesus Christ but the other does not, then what? there seemed to be those couples who wanted to "repent" and work things out and there are those who either because of laziness, selfishness, or disloyalty do not want to work things out. I believe if we stay close to God we can still feel peace and often bring the other person around.

Often we can know the doctrine but counseling and specifically education can really help us understand how to apply the doctrine and principles. I am so grateful for books that help me gain a better understanding of marriage and my husband specifically that I would just not learn very easily from just a study of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Learning that arguing, even shouting, and many other negative behaviors do not need to end a marriage was enlightening. Gottman talks about the Four Horsemen and how they are the most dangerous, in part because they run away with you and your pride.

One thing I wonder about but have not read yet, is how addiction plays into these seven principles.  

I loved watching and listening to Elder Joseph B Wirthlin as he talked about Christlike love. I remember when he gave that and started shaking so much I was afraid he was going to fall. Then to have Elder Nelson stand up and stand beside Elder Wirthlin to strengthen him. What a sweet example of love. Elder Wirthlin continued to talk about us knowing to love the Lord with all our hearts and then to love our neighbors as ourselves. That sounds like a perfect solution to marriage problems to me. If you start early and keep up with good habits in marriage it is so much easier. How hard it is to break habits that have been in place for 20 years.

"Love is the beginning, the middle, and the end of the pathway of discipleship. It comforts, counsels, cures, and consoles. It leads us through valleys of darkness and through the veil of death. In the end love leads us to the glory and grandeur of eternal life." (The Great Commandment, Joseph B. Wirthlin, October 2007 General Conference)

Blog2

This week I was happy to make a mental connection between marriage – the kind between a man and a woman - and the fullness of the priesthood. I want to share several things from what I read. I think these are so encouraging!

President Joseph Fielding Smith gives priesthood holders this magnificent charge: "Now may the blessings of heaven rest upon those who hold the holy priesthood, and upon all our Father's children. Brethren, you possess the power and authority of Almighty God, and you hold in your hands the power to save and exalt yourselves and your loved ones." He does not specify which priesthood or whether it is a father, husband, or son- only "Brethren". I hope I can teach my young and grown men how important they are to us women and treat them accordingly.

President Smith clarifies for each of us what makes us (even women) qualify or worthy for a fullness of blessings. "There is nothing in all this world as important to each of us as putting first in our lives the things of God's kingdom, as keeping the commandments, as magnifying our callings in the priesthood, as going to the house of the Lord and being offered the fullness of the blessings of our Father's kingdom." I have always thought that everybody would want those celestial blessings. However,  a visiting General Authority explained that you can tell everybody doesn’t want it or they would go to the temple, they would do their ministering, they would pay their tithing, they would do what is required.

 I recall Elder Maxwell talking about our desires. He says we will get what we desire and so it is important that we “educate our desires.” If I want my children to be sealed to me –more than I want anything else, then of course I will stay worthy for the temple and of course I will teach them about the temple. However, if I want them to be a good musician, athlete, or business owner than that will take precedent over other things every day. Sunday games, honesty, whatever I do will reflect on what I really want. It really is in our own hands, our own agency. Our willingness to obey and sacrifice shows the Lord what we really want. Do I really want the fullness of the Lord’s blessings? What am I going to do about it.

 Marriage is a covenant that can bring a fullness of joy. How much do I want a happy marriage? 

This week I read and listened to a lot about what was said both in court and in meetings about the definition of marriage and what should be legal and what the future looks like for children and the rest of us. 

I would highly recommend all read the address given by Elder, Doctor, President Russell M. Nelson https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-of-marriage/

It was refreshing to hear the doctrine on the subject, not just "his stand" on things taught by Elder (President Nelson). He taught the doctrine by stating, "It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!"

Elder Nelson then bravely declares that "social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in practices contrary to God’s will regarding the eternal nature and purposes of marriage. Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God." This is a bold and beautiful statement. I am always so grateful to hear the Brethren state doctrine and make things clear so the whole world knows and we know where we stand. It also reminds us how strongly God feels about things regardless of how the world tries to make them sound right and just.

You can tell by this that there eternal implications to this battle. "Brothers and sisters, undergirded by incontrovertible truth, proclaim your love for God! Proclaim your love for all human beings “with malice toward none, with charity for all.”20 They as children of God are our brothers and sisters. We value their rights and feelings. But we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. It is not for man to change."

In my mind that settles it. God's commandments are not outdated nor is God interested in man's opinion on eternal matters that He has a complete understanding, and we do not.

I love talking about marriage maybe because I am so happy in mine. I realize it is painful for some people but I feel it is vital for the upcoming generations and those struggling now to have a real understanding of the doctrine of marriage. The first thing I would say in teaching the doctrine of marriage is that “...All human beings...[are] beloved spirit son[s] or daughter[s] of heavenly parents...” The truth that we have heavenly parents is such an important link to understanding the divine structure of families here on earth. If we believe that we are offspring of actual parents then that means marriage can be eternal and has eternal importance.

We are taught that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan...” It starts with marriage. I find it interesting that marriage and family life in general can be very trying for almost all of us. Some find the secret to a happy marriage and that can cut out a multitude of anxieties in life. Such is true of family life as well. All can be tried by family life but family life is also what helps us become the men and women we are destined to become.

As I learn about marriage and the significant role it plays in our lives I will share some of the truths I learn on here.

Unfortunately in our day, we learn about marriage at the same time we learn about divorce. I’ve often wondered if this is to warn us of the dangers of being careless about marriage and particularly our covenants we make at marriage. Divorce can be so districtive to multiple generations. My parents helped me to see that covenants made and broken have serious consequences, so whom we marry is of utmost importance. Pres Hinkley said “This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry. There is no substitute for marrying in the Temple. It is the only place under the heavens where marriage can be solemnized for eternity. Don’t cheat yourself. Don’t cheat your companion. Don’t shortchange your lives. Marry the right person in the right place at the right time.”